I wake up at 5:30 every morning for work, so when the weekend rolls around, I like to get a slow start to my Saturday and/or Sunday whenever possible. A couple weeks ago, this meant waking up and proceeding to channel surf through channels I never usually watch. And that’s when I found it. A lost show from my youth.
And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When you go back and watch shows from your ill-spent youth, seeing them through your adult eyes … the shows suddenly have all sorts of things going on that you never saw before. For one, Smurfette. The only female adult Smurf in the entire town. What’s up with that?! You know what that means, right? Her profession?
Obviously the town hooker. The fake long blonde hair. The high heels. The scampering all about town. Smurfette’s hooking for a living. And I can’t believe I never noticed this as a kid. With only one woman in the entire town, I guess we know why the smurfs are blue. Or should we say, their … uh … smurfs, are blue. Oh yeah. I went there. Come on. You were already thinking it. I just stated the obvious.
Anyway, everytime you see him, he’s in that laboratory of his, experimenting with all sorts of chemicals and whatnot. Papa Smurf’s obviously the town drug dealer. There’s no other reason for all the town’s young Smurfs to constantly be stopping by and hanging out with the old timer.
Seriously. Look at their Smurf houses. They’re made from mushrooms. Hello! Houses made from shrooms?!
Speaking of Papa Smurf, that leads me to one other thought. Are the Smurfs bald? Papa Smurf is the only smurf with any facial hair. And you’ve got Smurfette’s stripper wig/weave. But you never see any of those Smurfs without their hats on. I would be willing to bet that they’re all bald. Or just country music fans. One or the other. Because country music fans love to wear their hats all the time, too.
But the observations didn’t end there. I noticed a Smurf I never had seen before. His name is Vanity. He’s the gay Smurf. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I never noticed this as a kid. I couldn’t believe the cartoonists were able to get away with their depiction. Sure, they never come out and actually say he’s gay. But Vanity is the most overly flamboyant, cliche depiction you could find of a homosexual Smurf. From his pink flower that he wears on his hat all the way to the way they voice him. They struck a 10 on the cliche-o-meter.
Oh, and I think the Smurfs are racist.
Look at those hats I mentioned, earlier. Notice something about them, if you don’t let them fall over to the side? Picture them with a gust of wind blowing at them. That’s right. The Smurfs wear Klan-hats. These supposedly “happy-go-lucky” guys could quite possibly be hate-mongers. I’m just saying. It’s a possibility they’re a bit more sinister than they lead on, to be.
I had no clue they were airing old Smurfs episodes on cable. What a great discovery. Much to my surprise, when that was over, an episode of The Snorks came on. The Snorks, for those not in the know, are basically underwater Smurfs with impaled snorkels coming out of their heads. But I’ll save that discussion for another time. Just do yourself a favor, and give The Smurfs one more viewing as an adult. Suddenly, as you can see above, the show’s much more of an adult’s cartoon than a children’s cartoon.
And you thought Shaggy was the only stoner cartoon character! Please. Papa Smurf’s the Snoop Dogg of daytime dope fiends!
Originally published on 2/28/07