John Locke, Human Sad Trombone: A “Lost” Recap
Lost found themselves with lots of detractors after last week’s episode. If they can be trusted, the writers seemed to give us some answers by the end of this episode. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned by now, it’s to expect the unexpected. Which makes the island no different than the Big Brother house. To the recap!
Alternate Reality isn’t a very kind place to John Locke. Turns out, he got the company to foot the bill for a conference, which he never had any intentions of attending. Upon figuring out that Locke was a no-show, Locke’s sleazy boss Randy takes great pleasure in Donald Trumping Locke from the company. Let’s be honest. Locke kinda had it coming. By the time he gets back out to his van post-firing and finds that another vehicle has him sandwiched in, I half expected to hear “Cause you had a bad day …” start playing. Millionaire Hurley is responsible for the Locke blocking, and makes up for it by giving him a referral to a woman at a temp agency who he says will hook him up with a job.
Everyone’s favorite power couple half – Rose – is the woman Hurley puts Locke in contact with, and explains to Locke that as one who is living with cancer, she’s learned to just enjoy the life you have left. And so she sets him up with a substitute teaching job. Wait. What? Last time I was in school, the substitute teachers were the Rodney Dangerfield of the classroom – they got no respect. Even better than seeing John Locke: Substitute Teacher, is his Teachers Lounge counterpart – Ben Linus. European History. With a background in Coffee Nazi. After seeing what Ben can do with a rope, it’s probably best he isn’t the gym teacher. Yikes.
So thankfully the Alternate Reality scenes with Locke this week were more engaging than the snoozefest that was … eyelids getting heavy … that was, uhm … Claire … yawn … and Kate. Sorry, that was so boring, I’m nodding off at the keyboard evening trying to reference it.
Back on the island, though, there’s a whole chess match at hand with Bad Locke. He’s attempting to move the pieces into place, for an eventual takeover. First, he tries recruiting Richard Alpert one more time. But upon hearing that his Guyliner can’t come along, decides against joining this crusade and runs back off into the island. Not before Locke spots a ghost child. Huh?
More on huh later. Meanwhile, Ilana visits Ben in the foot of the statue and asks for the Cliffs Notes on what went down. Dead guy who isn’t dead and turns into a smoke monster, then back into the alive dead guy to stab an immortal man and kick him into a fire where he turns to ashes … y’know, that same story we heard numerous times as a bed time story growing up. She collects Jacob’s dust and adds him to the dead guy carry-on collection, with Locke. Sun finally talks some sense into the group, though, and gets them to bury Weekend at Bernies Locke’s once and for all. Ben gives a eulogy that makes Louis’ “One time I turned into a dog and they helped me” speech in Ghostbusters II sound like the I Have a Dream Speech.
Ilana explains that Bad Locke is actively recruiting. Which makes him the island Steinbrenner. So after burying Real Locke, it’s time to head to the Temple to try reuniting with any other survivors and mount a resistance. Resistance against Bad Locke and whom?
Sawyer, evidently. Bad Locke catches up with a whiskey’d up Sawyer over in Dharmaville. Sawyer’s that wise drunk you find in the small town bars of big budget movies. He instantly realizes that Bad Locke isn’t Locke at all, due to his uncharacteristic swagger. But Locke dangles the “How’d you like to know why you’re on the island?” carrot in front of him and gets him to come along. Now of course, Sawyer has to prove that he’s still all grrrrrr and my way or the highway, so he contemplates Of Mice and Men‘ing Locke in the back of the head. But much like the Ben of yesteryear, Locke sweet talks him out of it by claiming that he was human once, too. It’s enough to keep Sawyer following, all the way to the end of a cliff and down a Goonies-like rope ladder down into Locke’s man cave.
Instead of Juggies bouncing up and down on trampolines, Bad Locke has John Madden-esque telestrator drawings on the cave ceiling, courtesy of Jacob.
B-Locke explains that this is the reason Sawyer’s on the island. They are the remaining names un-crossed off, and that Jacob visited each and every one of them during vulnerable, low points in their lives. This is where we may finally get an explanation for them all coming to the island – because Jacob thought he was the island’s protector. Like Tattoo on Fantasy Island. And he’s looking for candidates to take over for him. This is sounding more and more like poor Desmond pushing the button for all those years.
Bad Locke tells Sawyer he has three options. First one has him doing nothing, seeing how it plays out, and maybe his name gets crossed off. Second option has Sawyer becoming the New Jacob and protecting the island. But in Locke’s eyes, the island doesn’t need protecting in the Tyler Durden the island is not a beautiful and unique snowflake kind of way. Or lastly, Sawyer could just join Bad Locke in getting off the island and never looking back. After a moment, Sawyer chooses number three.
Which leaves me to wonder if how much, if any, of the Alternate Reality scenes are because of this decision?
Sound off with any comments, questions, or any of your own original theories!
Master of Karate: A “Lost” Recap
I guess his character has another name. But he’ll always be “Mac” from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia to me. And tonight, Mac left Paddy’s Pub and was back on the island again for the first time in numerous seasons! But now I’m jumping ahead. And even though the show’s writers are allowed to do that, I am not.
Tonight’s Lost begins with the New Others acting like they’ve never seen a corpse come alive, before. How new are they to this island? So obviously, they want to talk to Sayid alone. Jack, knowing they’re just going to trick him into playing Seven Minutes In Heaven, says Sayid goes nowhere without him. New Others aren’t fans, fisticuffs ensue, and only end when a recently chubbier Sawyer pulls a gun on the entire crew. Evidently, one side effect of the H-Bomb is male bloating. Sorry, Sawyer. That Dharma Beer is filled with empty calories. Should’ve stuck with Miller Lite. Tastes great, less filling. Instead of bailing out the rest of his Oceanic buds, Sawyer lets them fend for themselves and exits on his own.
The New Others assure Kate that it’s imperative that Sawyer is brought back safely. Just like it was imperative that everyone else came back to the island together. And imperative that … y’know what, this island really cries wolf on the imperatives. But Kate is simple people, and she believes them, choosing to run off into the jungle to bring him back. But she isn’t alone. With Jin, they’re watched over by none other than Mac! Why Mac? Well, the New Others must know that as Nightman, he’s a master of Karate. And now I just isolated anyone who doesn’t watch It’s Always Sunny. Unfortunately for him, Kate’s the muscle in the crew and she knocks him out cold for the second time, escaping with Jin.
Things aren’t going much better back at the Temple, though. New Others have Sayid tied up, as part of a test. Dogen – the leader – looks like he’s ready to try jumpstarting the Dharma Van again, and hooks up some jumper cables to Sayid’s nips. But Sayid is used to giving the torturous routines, not receiving, and therefore begins screaming “Don’t tase me, bro!” at the top of his lungs. This reaction lands Sayid a failing grade in whatever test he just took at Island University. He’s infected. Just like most of the frat boys who used to hang out with Paris Hilton. So Dr. Feelgood prescribes medicine that must be administered by Jack’s gentle hand, or it won’t work. And the infection will spread. Insert Lindsay Lohan joke here. Sayid tells Jack he’ll trust his decision as to whether or not he takes it.
So that buys us enough time to go back to the Alternate Reality of Kate and her newfound hostage with Stockholm Syndrome, Claire. And by Alternate Reality, I actually mean Alternate Really Boring. Sorry, I just couldn’t find myself caring about this whole Kate and Claire storyline off the island. Sure, wow, Ethan is off the island and is once again Claire’s doctor. But other than that, meh. Just take me back to the island.
Speaking of the island, Sawyer has retreated to Dharma Camp and is way Emo, now. That H-Bomb has side-effects that seem to be worse than the actual illness. Man! Sawyer finally admits to Kate that it’s his fault Juliet is dead. Because he convinced her to stay, so that he wouldn’t have to be alone. A bad boy with a soft side. Kate’s so going to melt in the face of that.
But the real drama is going on not at Dharma, but at the Temple. Dogen, we learn, isn’t too different from Jack. Both are leaders who have had to make tough decisions. Which is why Dogen shouldn’t have been shocked when Jack says, “I don’t trust myself. How do I trust you?” and tries to ingest Sayid’s “medicine” instead. By calling Dogen’s bluff, Jack learns that the New Others were trying to poison Sayid. If we’re to believe Dogen, Sayid has been “claimed”. Claimed the same way Jack’s sister has.
With that, Jack gives a double you tea eff look, and we see Jungle Claire shooting and killing the Nightman Mac Aldo, but sparing Jin.
So who do we believe? Just like Jack, I don’t trust myself as a viewer, so how do I trust the show’s writers, anymore?
Bustin’ a “Lost” Recap
For the last two seasons, I’ve recapped Lost episodes on another blog. Decided to bring that over here, for this final season instead.
It’s only fitting that after flashbacks and flashforwards, and with characters caught between the past and future, that we now see them explore the alternate reality realm. Rather than busting up mid-flight, Flight 815 keeps it together. So the plan worked, right? Well, yes and no. We learn lots from alternate reality, and one of which is that the island is submerged beneath water because of this chain of events. So the plan worked. It just didn’t improve matters. Hell, some could argue it made things worse for some.
I feel like I need to create a flow chart to understand all of the different scenarios and connections, here. Let’s just go back to the island, where everyone wakes to find themselves still very much on the island rather than back on the airplane (even though they really are on the airplane …. wait, wuh?). Sayid is busy bleeding out above the old hatch area, and Jacob is strolling over to Hurley the Ghost Whisperer and is like, “You totally need to get Sayid to the Temple if you want to save him. Oh, by the way, I died an hour ago.”
Well, before Sayid can get help, the Islanders have to dig a barely still alive Juliet from the rubble. Sawyer burrows like a groundhog down into the hole and holds her in his arms just long enough for her to tell him there’s something important he needs to know. And then the tease that Juliet is, dies before giving up the goods. Seriously, it’s appropriate that this episode aired today of all days, because I saw Juliet die more times in this episode than Bill Murray did in Groundhog Day.
Meanwhile, back at Odor Eaters Stadium, Ben has just killed Jacob somewhere inside the giant foot statue. He’s done this on the behalf of Fake Locke. But before they can celebrate, the Ajira Muscle storms the party. Here we learn that Fake Locke aka Man in Black is also the smoke monster. This guy has more names than Sean Puffy Combs aka Puff Daddy aka P. Diddy. As we’ve come to know over the years, smoke kills. The Ajira muscle learns this the hard way.
Because the writers have ADD, we jump back to the alternate universe, which I’ll just call Bizarro World from here on out. The flight attendant calls for a doctor on the plane. Personally, I was hoping Mrs. Cleaver was going to step forward and offer up that she speaks jive. But we settle for Bizarro Jack (thanks to Bizarro Sayid kicking in the door) finding an unconscious Charlie in the bathroom. Jack digs around in his larynx and finds Charlie has swallowed a baggie of heroin. You’d think that Bizarro Charlie would be happy that Jack rescued him from the little white lady. But he’s upset, and yells to Jack, “I was supposed to die.” Compare this to Sawyer blaming Jack for Juliet dying. Man. Jack is blamed when people live and he’s blamed when they die.
Some fellas just can’t win. If he gets marooned back on the island, he should just become a country singer.
Once they land, Charlie’s taken away in handcuffs. Jack learns his father/coffin never made it on the plane. Locke’s luggage is missing. And Kate, well, Kate has had to resort to a bathroom stall jailbreak at the expense – once again – of the Marshall. He just wasn’t meant to survive unscathed, huh?
Well, meanwhile back at the island (are you still with me, even?!) Hurley’s convinced them that they need to get Sayid to the Temple if they want to save him. Sawyer and Miles have stayed behind to bury Juliet. Sawyer makes Miles do his decade-old Sixth Sense routine followed by asking him to tell him again about the rabbits. Miles does, and he tells him Juliet was trying to tell him that, “It worked.” So while they’re distracted with that, Hurley, Jack and gang are all busy being taken hostage at the Temple by robed dudes we’ve never seen before. They take them to their leader, who is about to have them shot dead, before Hurley offers up that Jacob sent them. And had him bring his guitar case. They open the guitar case to find a giant replica of Prince’s symbol. This, and a note inside not from their mother, but from Jacob, is enough to convince them that Hurley, Jack and crew are all right. And that Sayid needs to be saved.
After taking them inside, they attempt to perform some ritual in which they essentially drown an unconscious man. But the ritual seemingly fails and they disappear from the room faster than a frat boy after a one night stand. Jacob. The Ajira Muscle. Juliet. Sayid. This episode has a higher Body Count than an Ice T album.
Hurley finally decides to tell them that there’s a little detail he may have left out, regarding Jacob … y’know, that he’s dead.
The place goes apeshit, sending off fireworks and spreading magic pixie dust everywhere, trying to protect from the “Locke Monster”. Speaking of, by now, even Ben’s showing signs that he’s not so sure he did the right thing having Jacob killed. Locke exits the Foot with Ben and walks right up to Richard Alpert, stares right into his Guyliner’d eyes, and drops him to the ground and throws him over his shoulder. This Locke Monster is a force to be reckoned with.
Fortunately, back at the Temple, just when everyone thought Sayid was dead, he comes to. Resurrected. But is this Sayid … or is this possibly Jacob emerging in Sayid’s body?
I don’t know, yet. But I’m still not ruling out this entire island’s power being due to Richard Alpert’s fierce guyliner.
This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My blog is my best friend.
